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The Magical Tattoo

I blinked dumbly at the tattoo artist before me, unable to process his words. His face is passive, tan and smooth despite his age. Carefully arranged into a blank expression. But there’s a twitch in his temple that lets me know he’s telling the truth. Or at least he believes he is. I stumble backwards.

“This isn’t possible,” I say. My back is up against the wall now. The cool white brick presses through my shirt, and it should be calming but it only anchors me to this nightmare. 

The tattooist smiles wanly. “I assure you, it is very possible.” He shuffles over to the cash register and begins hauling sketchbooks from beneath it. Most are well-loved dollar store books, pages worn with age and spines bloated with clippings. But at the very bottom, tucked on its side against the edge of the shelf, is a thin notebook, so solidly black it seems to warp the light around it.

“We may not be the only tattooist Brisbane has,” the artist says. “But we are the only ones who’ve achieved the impossible.”

A manic bubble of laughter escapes me. I look around for the exit, but the flickering neon lights that once marked the doors have been extinguished, replaced only by a thin sliver of light from the cash register. I can’t see more than ten feet in front of me. The register, the tattooist, and a plush red ottoman. The rest of the room is shrouded in darkness, so thick I don’t want to venture into it for fear of being engulfed.

“I thought you were a realism tattoo artist,” I say. Getting inked was the whole reason I’d stepped foot into this odd little shop in the first place. I had seen his impressive portfolio online and decided he would be the perfect artist to ink the cat tattoo I had dreamed about for years. But today, I seemed to be getting much more than I had expected.

“It is realism in a sense,” the tattooist replies. “We just take realism very seriously here.”

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On Hold Again

I paced back and forth across my office as my phone spewed hold music from my desk, absentmindedly swinging a golf club at the air. The sun was beginning to set over the peninsula out of my corner window, its rays glittering off the water like so many diamond—

‘Hello, this is O’Shauggnesy O’Realtors, how can I we help you today?’

I flew across the room to pick up the handset.

‘Finally!’ I crowed into the phone. ‘I’ve been on hold for hours!’

‘We’re sorry about that, sir,’ the woman replied, in a tone that was anything but apologetic. ‘How can I help you?’

‘I’ve been trying to organise a showing of my house with you people for weeks, but nobody has returned my calls!’

‘That’s disappointing to hear, sir. Let me patch you through to our customer service department—’

‘No!’ I cried out, loud enough for my secretary to poke her head into my office. It was too late: the hold music was already playing in my ear.

‘Can I get you a glass of water or something?’ my secretary asked, nervously hovering.

I took a deep breath through my nose, trying to bring down my blood pressure through sheer force of will.

‘No, thank you Shireen,’ I eventually smiled at her. ‘I would like a list of all the best building companies on the Mornington Peninsula though, quick as you can.’

‘Building companies, sir?’ she asked, confused.

‘Yep,’ I nodded. ‘I want to tell every company worth dealing with that O’Shauggnesy O’Realtors aren’t worth dealing with!’

‘Is that a good idea, do you think, or…’

‘You’re right,’ I sighed, slumping down in my chair. She smiled, pleased with herself.

‘Get me all of the luxury residential architects too. Let’s get niche with this campaign.’

Shireen sighed and pulled out a notepad.

‘Anyone else, sir?’

I shook my head no, then flung a finger into the air with a thought.

‘Bakeries!’ I cackled. ‘Let’s see them sell a house without any muffins!’

Shireen rolled her eyes.

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Auto Shop Flanking

It was not an army that arrived at the gates of New Hobart, but two small creatures. Unarmed but more dangerous than a thousand troops, the Little Men had arrived to bring down the walls of humanity’s last stronghold in the Tasman Wastes.

Charlie stood in Fred Bentleigh’s office, its wide window offering an excellent view of the stronghold’s front. From here, the mayor of New Hobart would be able to strategise and offer guidance to those in the heat of battle.

“Do you give us a chance?” Charlie asked.

Fred sat at his desk, sifting through a dozen reports. “500 against 2? I don’t like our odds, but anything is possible. We’ve got strike forces set up and ready to move from two locations; Brighton and Cambridge. Once the battle starts, they’ll move in and attempt to flank the enemy.”

“Are they at the old mobile mechanic based in Brighton?” asked Charlie. “That’s a good vantage point. Clever move.”

Nodding, Fred said, “I thought it would work well. We’ve got a lot of abandoned buildings out there, so why not make the most of them? It’s not like anybody needs tyre repairs near Brighton anyway, given we don’t have many cars anymore.”

“So, we put up our best fight here and hope the flanking forces can catch them off guard. All we need is a couple of lucky hits and we’ll take these guys down. Have we got archers?”

Fred tapped one of his reports. “Three dozen troops on top of the wall, ready to fire a barrage on them. Do you think we need more?”

“Get a couple dozen more up there, at least,” said Charlie. “The more arrows we have firing at them, the better our chances of getting lucky and ending this early.” 

Ending this battle early was perhaps their only chance of getting out of this alive. She’d seen what the Little Men could do, not once but twice now. As Fred went back to making arrangements, Charlie couldn’t help but feel that she’d doomed them all.

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Heating with Memories

‘Have you ever b-been so c-c-cold?’ Miguel shivered next to me in the cave, huddling against me for warmth.

I considered whether we should head back out into the snow and stay with the plane – both as a landmark for if we were going to get rescued and because the last time I’d seen it, it had been on fire.

A low keening howl on the wind made me drop that plan pretty quickly.

‘What are we gonna d-do, Jake?’ Miguel asked, and I noticed his speech beginning to slow down.

‘We’re going to make it,’ I said sternly. ‘That’s what we’re gonna do.’

‘H-how? We-we’re stuck out here, nobody flies that p-path.’

‘They’ll come looking,’ I reassured him, rubbing his arms over his jacket. ‘We’re already an hour late for our landing, they’ll be looking.’

He didn’t seem convinced, so I searched for a new strategy.

‘You know, I just had my annual ducted heating service, for my Canberra home.’

‘W-what?’ he frowned, confused.

‘Yeah, just had it done.’

‘Wh-why are you—’

‘It’s a good question, “why?”,’ I interrupted. ‘They say it’s supposed to be annual, but I’m a lazy homeowner. Plus, I just don’t spend that much time in Canberra anymore.’

‘Oh?’ Miguel said, seemingly content to let me distract him. ‘Why not-t?’

‘Just the flights I’ve been getting, been spending more time in the other capitals.’

‘Ah,’ he nodded.

‘But I arrived in Canberra last week, and you know the first thing I thought?’

‘How n-nice the airport i-is?’

‘Of course that, but also how much I desperately needed a heater servicing. Canberra is usually so warm too, so I barely turn the thing on, but as soon as the weather dipped it was all I could think about.’

‘Warm…’ Miguel whispered to himself, eyes drifting closed.

‘Yeah, buddy,’ I sighed. ‘Probably for the best. I’ll wake you up if anything interesting happens.’

And then I was alone in the cave – save for Miguel’s snoring, and the low howling in the distance.

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The Ute Hunt

I whistled quietly under my breath, the signal I’d worked out with my tracker, Gollo. As promised, he somehow heard it through the heavy night air, and came rushing to my side.

‘Yes, boss?’ he asked, just as quietly.

‘There,’ I pointed at a dark shape in the dunes ahead of us. ‘That’s what we’re after.’

‘How can you tell?’ he squinted, struggling to make out any details in the darkness.

‘Trust me,’ I whispered, smile crinkling the corners of my eyes. ‘That’s the one.’

We crept down the dune in that peculiar way Gollo had taught me, sliding on our knees to create as little noise as possible. Our prey didn’t seem to hear us, or react at all.

Good, I thought. It’s better this way.

         Gollo’s fear got the best of him and he slowed his approach. It didn’t matter. I didn’t need him for this part.

Mere feet away, I lunged forward like a man possessed, reaching for the tarp I knew had ensnared the beast and flinging it away.

Gollo dropped to his knees at the sight, gesturing with his fingers and mumbling a prayer in his native tongue.

‘What is it?’ he finally asked, aghast.

‘That, my dear Gollo,’ I said with a triumphant grin. ‘Is a ute.’

‘A ute,’ he mouthed, then trailed off into prayer again.

‘And she’s a beauty,’ I breathed, stepping closer. ‘Look at that – the best ute canopy installers around Melbourne couldn’t touch that kind of craftsmanship.’

‘Melbourne, sir?’

‘Melbourne, aye,’ I nodded. ‘A far away place, too rich for the likes of us.’

Gollo nodded, eyes wide with fascination.

‘Hang on a second,’ I muttered to myself, as a small glint caught my eye.

‘What is it, sir?’ Gollo whispered, gasping as I took a step forward.

‘Just a hunch…’ my eyes narrowed. ‘I’ve seen something like this before ­– one of those under tray tool boxes for utes. But nothing like—’

My heart pounded in my chest as the great ute’s lights flicked on and the engine roared to life.

‘Gollo,’ I whispered past dry lips. ‘Run.’

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Unclogging Drains

My friend has such a cool job. He works with footy players and gets to spend all his time with them. I would love to have a job like that but unfortunately, I’m unemployed. I haven’t been able to hold down a job for the last five years and I don’t know why. It’s not me that’s the issue though – I’m sure of it. 

My life is pretty boring these days because I have nothing to do. The most exciting part of my last week was having a conversation with the most professional drainage contractors operating in Melbourne and hearing what they do every day. Apparently, they spend their days fixing things, inspecting things, diagnosing things… it sounds really cool. I wouldn’t mind being a drainage contractor for the next couple of months until I inevitably decide that being a plumber isn’t for me.

That’s just the way life works these days. It’s the gig economy, you see. If I found myself a really cool job like my friend has then I probably wouldn’t leave the job so soon but alas, that has not been the case. I’m not fussed though. I work to live, not live to work. I wonder if the plumber I spoke to who specialises in unclogging blocked drains in Brighton works to live or lives to work. I should have asked him. That would have been an interesting conversation to have had. Oh well.

I think I might spend the next couple of days researching to find out what drainage plumbers actually do, how much it pays and whether it’s worth studying/training to become one. If it seems like a worthy venture, I’ll probably give it a go! It would be good to be entertained for the months leading up to my birthday and then I can splurge all the money I’ve saved on one big event. That’s capitalism, baby!

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Glass Scare

I’ve been living in a share house for just over a month now and it’s a really good experience. I’m loving living with friends and forging my way in the world. I’m loving trying new things and not having to tell people where I’m going or when I’m planning on returning. It’s just the complete and utter freedom that I have that makes me so happy.

One hard part about living out of home in a rental property though, is the constant stress that something is going to go wrong and we’re going to have to pay for it. So far we’ve had trouble with our air conditioner twice, we think the house has a leak and we accidentally slammed the glass door so hard that we thought the glass was about to shatter. Luckily, that didn’t happen because we’d be responsible for the glass repair fee. Melbourne landlords don’t particularly like paying for things that aren’t their responsibility, which I can understand. I don’t want to have to pay for any broken glass over my stay. In fact, I don’t want to pay for anything that has broken so I really hope nothing goes wrong while we are here. I can’t afford to pay rent, buy food and pay bills PLUS deal with emergencies at the same time. Yeah, I’m an adult and I enjoy my freedom, but I don’t enjoy the financial responsibility that comes with it.

One thing that I was very serious about when we were looking at rental properties was not having glass stairs. From my experience, having glass stairs is a recipe for disaster and you’re sure to have to get a glass balustrade repair by a Melbourne company at some point over your time in the house. That’s just not worth it in my eyes.

We’re throwing a party next week so here’s hoping nothing goes wrong or breaks.

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Awesome Architect Adventures

I think the best part about being an architect is that I get to work with so many other amazing companies. There are so many talented people in this world, but unless you go out of your way to look for that talent, you’ll never find it. And why would you? There’s really no reason to see it if you’re sitting at home by yourself. The fact that my job lets me interact with dozens of people I’ve never met before, every single day, is truly such a blessing.

Like, right now I’ve just hired one of the best commercial window tinting firms Melbourne has to offer, because I’ve been asked by my client to ensure their office space includes a privacy boundary. This company is going to tint the glass so that it keeps the office space cool from the sun’s harshest rays and also prevents people walking past on the street from being able to look inside.

Anyway, everybody from the window tinting firm is super lovely and, as I was saying, extremely talented. It’s like these guys were built for the work they do. They’re so efficient that they can tint windows properly in a little over an hour. They can create pictures if you want, too. I mean, one of the employees literally asked me before they started if I wanted any frosted window tinting completed. Yes, that’s right. They were offering an additional service because they saw the value in it for the office space.

I don’t think I’ve ever met a bunch of people who were so professional and friendly. Thanks to their services, this office building could end up being the best one I’ve ever designed. Literally, everybody who is working on the project has contributed something meaningful and worthwhile. It’s rare to find a job that you are inspired to go into, let alone one that inspires you each day in turn. I am so glad I stumbled into my architect career, as I don’t know what I would be doing without it.

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Dealing With Drains

Being an adult is so difficult. Having to deal with my emotions, on top of managing my expenses and dealing with unexpected things as they pop up is really difficult. Like, I was in the middle of a semi emotional crisis the other day and just trying to function at work, which was hard enough. Then, I started hearing a very concerning gurgling noise come out of my drains. As if I wasn’t struggling enough. 

I’m new to this whole adult thing so as soon as my drains started gurgling, I burst into tears. I’m just so overwhelmed trying to get everything in order and understand what I’m meant to be doing with my life. To put into context how much I’m struggling to be an adult – it took me three days after hearing the initial gurgling sound to actually work up the courage to call the drain plumber about the issue. It’s not like I was procrastinating and finally did it after three days, I actually sat by the phone for seventy-two hours straight trying to find the strength to call. It was difficult.

When I finally spoke with the drain plumber, I told him that I had no idea what the issue was and that it was stressing me out. He was very understanding which I was grateful for because I couldn’t have emotionally dealt with a drain cleaning plumber servicing the Melbourne area coming to my house and working on my drains if I hadn’t had a good interaction with him initially. He made me feel at ease and because of that, I was able to book him in to come to my house and clean/repair my drains. He’ll be coming on Monday which is only a couple of days away.

I’m just going to take this whole situation day by day. It’s about as much as I can handle at the moment and I don’t want to take on much more.

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Broken Glass Door

Something went wrong. Something went very wrong. We threw a party over the weekend which was great. Everything was going smoothly and nothing had broken. It took until the last person to leave the party, Barry, for something to go wrong. And as I said before, it went horribly wrong.

He was attempting to stumble from the backyard to the inside area, through our open glass door. As it turns out, he thought that the entire door was open (it does this thing where you can pull it fully open and it, like, folds up), rather than just the main part of the door. He came stumbling through it at such a force that the entire glass door shattered and shattered my dreams of buying new skincare with it.

I could just imagine myself having to call the glazier operating near Melbourne and explaining what happened. “Oh yeah, so sorry.” I’d say “We were having a little party and things got out of hand. Our entire glass door shattered as a result and we want to fix it before the landlord finds out. Are you able to help us?” I could imagine the glazier would be holding back laughter at my story and would certainly offer to help me, for a price. Repairing glass balustrades isn’t an easy job to do and I’m sure the cost will reflect that. I am absolutely kicking myself for allowing us to get into this situation in the first place.

I’m not sure what the next steps are other than giving the glazier a call. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with that phone call right now, so I’m either going to pass it onto one of my housemates (who certainly won’t end up doing it) or give the glazier a call on Monday. We shall see what pans out. I hope it’s not too expensive because I really wanted that skincare.