‘What are the chances,’ I asked with a grin, ‘that he’ll have a coronary before the end of the year?’
My cubicle mate, Steve, looked up from his spreadsheet and followed my gaze. Our boss, a fat, balding man in suspenders and a comb-over, was pacing the floor of his office, screaming into a speakerphone.
‘That’s morbid, Mark, even for you,’ Steve said, putting his head back down.
‘Seriously!’ I said, turning around in my chair so I was looking at him instead. ‘You’ve seen his lunch orders – steak and butter, with a side of more steak. Chicken, if his wife is on him about his cholesterol.’
‘How do you know so much about his lunch order?’ Steve asked.
‘I pay attention, my dear Steve,’ I said in a bad British accent. Laughing, I snuck a look back over the office partition wall and shook my head. ‘Terrible diet, high-stress job, clearly very little exercise—’
‘He’s pacing right now,’ Steve said, without looking up.
‘It’s probably counterbalanced by the shouting,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Seriously, if his blood pressure is below 300, I’ll eat my keyboard.’
‘Probably good that you do something with your keyboard,’ Steve muttered. I ignored him.
‘What’s he yelling about anyway?’
‘Janet told me the other day that—’
‘Ooooh,’ I cut him off with an obnoxious grin. ‘So you and Janet are still a thing, then?’ I snuck a peek at her, the boss’s assistant, begrudgingly typing up a memo or something. ‘I don’t know how you landed that date, brother, I really don’t.’
‘Decency,’ Steve shrugged. ‘Respect, a general interest in the lives of others.’
‘Pffft,’ I dismissed it with a wave of my hand. ‘Anyway, what did she tell you?’
‘Apparently he’s been looking for an affordable residential plasterer around Melbourne to do some work on his house.’
‘Really?’ I frowned. ‘That’s what he’s on the phone for?’
Steve shrugged, right as our boss’s handset went flying through the window, shattered glass spraying onto the office carpet.
I raised an eyebrow, turning back to Steve.
‘I don’t think that’s what he was on the phone for,’ I whispered excitedly.